Much of this trip I have spent in my own company and mostly quite happily. I think this is an extraordinary achievement for a self professed extrovert! Being on my own so much has allowed me to do as I please and follow my feelings. It has given me the time and space for writing and drawing. It has been a kind of coming home to myself, the self that loves to be in the creative space, the meditative space, the space where I dream….

Of course I would be lying, if I didn’t also say that being on my own has also sometimes been a lonely space. Being alone can and does bring up quite a confusion of feelings for me. It has always been my biggest fear. I have never known who I was without people around me to reflect back to me who I thought I was. This might seem a confusing statement but that’s because I’ve spent so much of my life feeling confused about who I am! I have realized that I have spent my whole life seeking the approval of others in order to know who I am. I have also been an extraordinarily adept people pleaser. I learnt very early on in my life that if I did what people asked of me, I would gain their approval and hopefully their love. I also experienced, that if I did something that I wanted to do just for myself, that it was often and somehow experienced by the other, as me being selfish. Any wonder I have suffered in confusion and had low self esteem! I do not say any of this with blame as it has been my valuable path of learning.

I am contemplating this right now because I have spent the majority of the past 10 days being with people. It has been a valuable contrast! I have observed myself enthusiastically launch into my chattering self, telling stories, joking, laughing. My energy levels rise, there is a certain feeling of relief and I feel happy. Ahh yes, I’m  still an extrovert! Maybe…. several times I have found myself longing for some quiet, some time on my own, some space to go and draw or write…. the pressure real or imagined is there though, to be interacting with these lovely people I am sharing time with.  I have had the privacy of a room of my own but truth be known I have only used that space for sleep and slept I have. My body has needed quite a bit of extra rest and I have allowed it.

Interesting how attached we can get to the labels we give ourselves isn’t it? This trip has been a surprising release of many of those labels I had for myself. It has actually been fun to step outside those labels and allow experiences that I might not have in the past. This week alone I have done two things I would normally have said were not “my cup of tea.”

Firstly, I went to a live Rugby match. I could give you a thousand reasons why I  wouldnt want to go to a rugby match, all valid and reasonable I think – too cold to sit outside, I think the game is too violent, I don’t know the rules or understand the point of the game, I could think of better things to do with my time, I don’t like watching sport…. However, my wonderful friend Les, is absolutely passionate about Rugby. He’s played it, he referees it, he coaches it, his sons all play it, and he is a life long supporter of a team. So I went to his team’s game and caught just a bit of his passion. He explained the rules, though I still don’t get them, but I enjoyed the game anyway. I enjoyed the atmosphere, the enthusiastic cheering around me (which I eventually joined in with) and  the colour and spectacle of it all! Most of all, I enjoyed seeing how much Les was enjoying himself.

The second thing I did which I have never done before was play a Fifa soccer game on the Playstation with Les’s youngest, 7yr old Thomas. What beautiful patience he displayed explaining to me first of all how to use the controller and secondly how to play the game. “I’ll go easy on you” he soothed me when I told him I didn’t have a clue what to do! What fun I had trying to coordinate my eyes and hands and manipulate the controller and how I giggled and squealed! “I was rubbish” at it, as they say in this family but what did that matter?

I would do both of those things again not because I am suddenly a convert to Rugby or playstation games but because I had fun. If I’d stayed attached to any preconceived notions about what is and what isn’t “my cup of tea” and any labels about myself then I might’ve missed out on not only my own pleasure but the other person’s pleasure. This was not just another experience of me people pleasing but a genuine and equal interaction. I don’t think I believe in labels anymore…

This trip has been a blessing of so many kinds and has allowed me to learn much about myself. And its not even over yet! I have been busy these last few days researching and planning my last few weeks and I am excited to say that despite the encroaching cold weather I am going to do a road trip in Ireland! First though, I must go and buy a warm coat!