I’ve been in a bit of a funk this last little while. After the excitement of getting my endangered bird drawings printed onto cards and launching my Art page on Facebook, I kind of came to a dead halt. I’m sure you’ve noticed the lack of posts after the initial flurry. I am sure aware of it and it’s been hard not to beat myself up about it. I’ve had to wonder why this has happened. I came to the conclusion that it was a combination of my perfectionist tendencies and the feeling that I was under some kind of pressure to ‘perform’.

Being an artist is not like a regular job. There are so many variables to contend with – mostly internal ones. Inspiration is not a daily thing. Some days I feel no inclination to sit at my art table at all. Usually because some fear has reared its ugly head. The fears have different names and guises, but it mostly just boils down to not feeling good enough. The fear of being found out to be a fraud; fear of not being able to repeat my prior success; fear that I’ve been delusional about my abilities; fear that no-one will like what I do; fear that I am wasting my time. These are just some of the fears I contend with, but like I said it really just boils down to not feeling good enough. So how do I break out of this spiral of thinking that brings me to a grinding halt? How do I find the motivation and inspiration to get my mojo back and put my butt back in the chair to start drawing again?

Well, this is what I’ve been working on. Recognising that I’d hit my fears was the first step. Naming and shaming them was the next step but not necessarily easy. I had to really question these beliefs that I held about myself. Firstly, are they really the truth? And secondly how do I break their hold on me? These faulty beliefs (and that’s what they are, faulty) have had me in their grip for way too many years. My mind really believes these faulty thoughts I tell myself and it really is just a terribly bad habit.

And there-in is the conundrum. The only way to get out of your head is to get into your body. Making art is one of the ways I get into my body. It stops me from listening to my head but the irony is that I haven’t felt like making art and so I’ve been stuck in this spiral going nowhere.

Finally, the time came when I did two things that helped me become a little unstuck.  First, I allowed myself to have a big old cry. I hadn’t realised how much tension and anxiety had built up in me because I had been listening to the negative thought spiral. Crying is both a physical and emotional release and it always works to relieve the build-up for me. Next, I got out some large crappy paper and some of my cheaper paints and put on some music and just let myself put the paint on the paper with no thinking allowed! I had no intention, no ideas, no expectation that I was going to create a piece of art. I just experienced the act of putting paint on paper with brushes, palette knives, plastic forks and spoons, sponges and even my fingers. What a relief! I even put other paper on top of my painting and made some monoprints of the glorious mess of paint I’d created. I just allowed myself to play and that’s the magic bullet! When life gets too serious for me, I have to remember that I need to go back into play.

The other thing I do when I am feeling stuck is to go back to playing with repetitive pattern making. Focusing on drawing one shape or line repeatedly in a small space really calms me down. It brings me back into that space of stillness where I am not listening to my thinking. It’s an active form of meditation that works for me.

I still don’t feel like I have my mojo back just yet because I don’t feel quite ready to get back to the drawing projects that I have planned to do but at least I’ve made a start to get back to that blank page…