I know it’s been quite a long while since I last posted in my blog but life has had me all wrapped up in myself and I have not felt inspired to write much. Going through what I am going through has naturally been a rollercoaster ride of differing emotions so I would just like to share here some insights that have occurred…

Sometimes a bad day can look worse than it really is especially when you write about it all dramatic and poetic-like, like I did in my last blog! I wasn’t actively looking for sympathy but I was very grateful for all the kind words that you (my friends) all sent me…

Throughout my life I have been accused of being a moody, emotional drama queen and I allowed this label to define me. Being attached to drama I perceived as being a colourful way to live my life, as well as appealing to the storyteller in me! I actually thought I was being more ‘real’ by being so emotionally expressive!

However, recently I have realized, that it is no more a ‘real’ way to live than if I was someone who kept my feelings hidden. Blubbering my sob stories to anyone who cares to listen is not as healthy as I first thought. Whilst I still subscribe to the belief that expressing my stuff is a ‘better out than in’ proposition, it is still a sideways move that ultimately backfires. Sharing your ‘sads’ only goes partway to healing them. It is all good and well to cry on a friends shoulder hoping you will feel better but ultimately you are in charge of how long you sit in your tear-filled puddle.

Understanding that I have choice has become a liberating force. There will always be situations that will trigger emotion. It is part of the human condition and our biology that we have “feelings”. I learnt recently that we are not a ‘thinking being’ having feelings but a ‘feeling being’ having thoughts. I am learning to slow down enough to tune into my body and sense what feelings are arising, and I recognize now when my thoughts come charging in to try and tell me how to think about the feeling that has arisen! A lifetime of conditioned thinking would have me believe that my feelings are bad, shameful, wrong and should be gotten rid of as quickly as possible. This has led to the development of all sorts of avoidance behaviours that seek to squash the feelings into oblivion. All that I have successfully achieved with this tactic is a Pandora’s box full of suppressed little treasures and a fear that if I open the lid I will be annihilated by the avalanche of stored emotions!

In reality this is a furphy. I have opened the lid on this box many times now and I’m still here…. Feelings do not have to overwhelm you if you can see them for what they really are. They are not great monsters with big teeth that seek to eat you alive. They are bursts of energy that just need to travel through your body and then go on their merry way. They won’t hang around any longer than necessary if you allow them, acknowledge them, express them and then let them go… I realize now that all my bouts of depression in the past were really times when I got stuck in the terror of the fictitious monster eating me alive. By resisting whatever feelings were there I was actually tying them to my ankles like an anchor and throwing myself overboard where I would sink to the bottom of the deepest ocean.

It’s a new place to be; realizing that the only life raft I need is to give myself the permission to feel whatever is arising… I am still no expert and frequently slip into old habits of trying to ignore, stuff down or numb my feelings using various means of distraction – food, mindless TV watching, phone games and sleep. It’s a learning process and I’m trying to allow the slip ups without beating myself over the head with a big stick!

I still want to be a storyteller but I don’t want to tell the tired old stories of the poor me of the past. I want to tell stories of the exciting new adventures I am having in my life. I want to live the best life I can with the tools and gifts I have. I want to have all of my feelings – honestly and without censure. For it is my feelings that make up the rich tapestry of my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way!